After awhile though, I decided to just go with it. I tried relaxing my eyes and let my mind wander. Soon enough, I noticed myself actually listening to my thoughts. I began to realize that they weren't worries and stressful thoughts like they usually are. They were all good thoughts. Okay, okay, I know, this story is totally dragging on... but I promise, we're getting to the good part.
My mind was trying to tell me my answer to one of the biggest questions I've had for the last few weeks now - "who the hell am I as a photographer and artist!?!?" Yeah, I only have just a little over a year left of college, and then I'm going to be a big girl, with a big girl Bachelor's degree in photography. This last year and few months are 100% dedicated to figuring out what I'm trying to say with my art and then creating this concept within 15-20 images for a final portfolio. OMG! A portfolio? Sounds so profesh, right? But yes, this is just how close I am to being in the big girl world. Part of me is so eager to get out there and take on the world as a photographer graduated from AAU, but another part of me wants to just hide in my apartment and take photos of my dog all day. But I just can't. And that's what my thoughts were trying to tell me this night. I'm not lost. I have a voice. I have an idea. I have an interest. I have a concept. I have a passion.
My main inspirations have always seemed to be dreams and memories as a child, but I've always felt like my work had to go one direction over the other. I've never understood how I can combine my love for nostalgia with my love for a dreamy image. But earlier that evening, I found an old photograph of me and my cousin, Mallory, in my playhouse my Dad and Grandpa built for me for one of my birthdays as a kid. I love the image so much that I decided to hang it above my desk for inspiration. That image must have triggered something in me, but it didn't hit me until later that night when I went to bed and my mind decided to go Chatty Cathy on me. Basically it was telling me how I can create a portfolio combining these two inspirations in single images. And then BAM, I thought of a name for it... I am a fine art photographer that creates images inspired by childhood dreams. Yeah, it's simple as that! I want to create images that are inspired by dreams that I had as a child - dreams of playing in a jungle gym that I pretended was a castle, dreams of jumping off the trampoline with an umbrella and pretending I was Mary Poppins, dreams of having the best lemonade stand in the neighborhood, and they go on and on and on and on. I think I need to go invest in a new notebook!
I can't believe that after about a year of being inspired by dreams and childhood memories, that I'm just now realizing how I can make this work for me and also realizing that I can be successful as a photographer. It's what I'm made to do, so why force another career path on myself.
I guess all I'm trying trying to say is, sometimes those loud thoughts that keep you up at night need to be listened to. Don't always ignore them and don't always view them as an annoyance. But hey, if they are annoying and when you definitely want to ignore them, my little trick is to sing a song in my head, over and over again until I fall asleep. I swear it works... I just tried it last night and fell asleep within minutes! And also, don't rush your future. I'm always in a hurry to be the best and be as successful as I can be that sometimes I get caught up in things that I think I enjoy but then I quickly get burnt out on them. Just relax, enjoy the ride, and surround yourself with anything and everything that you are inspired by. Soon enough you'll be on your way to living the best life you could've ever imagined living.
If you've made it this far in the post, thanks for pulling through this super personal post. I just feel as if it's such a critical moment in my career, and I had to share it with the world! I wouldn't be who or where I am today without any of you. I'm forever grateful. <3
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